Your Most Burning Questions About Sexual Desire, Answered

We asked Chatelaine readers to share their biggest questions about sex after 40—and let’s just say we detected a theme. Here, three of Canada’s top sexual health experts give their best advice for rebooting a laggy libido.

“Is it common to have zero sex drive in your 40s? I still love my husband and find him attractive, but sometimes I feel like if I never had sex again, I’d be fine with it.” —Therese, 46

“One of the biggest surprises I’ve come across in my research is just how complex desire is,” says Dr. Sophie Bergeron, a psychologist and professor at the Université de Montréal. Relationship problems, poor body image and painful sex due to menopause, among other factors, are all lust busters.

Bergeron also stresses that your sex life will evolve over time and that kind, ongoing communication with your partner about what you need is crucial. Two other suggestions: talk to your doctor if you suspect menopause or antidepressant use could be a factor, and try to stay connected with your partner outside of the bedroom: “Studies have shown that physical affection helps nurture desire.” 

“Is it okay to not want traditional sex at all anymore, just self-pleasuring?” —Tanya, 66

Yes! “There are no right or wrong ways for consenting adults to be sexual,” says Bergeron.

“I try, for my husband’s sake, to be intimate once a week. Will I ever desire sex again like I did in my 30s and 40s, or is this as good as it gets?” —Angie, 57

“The most common problem that sex therapists encounter is sexual desire discrepancy,” says Dr. Peggy J. Kleinplatz, a certified sex therapist and a professor in the Faculty of Medicine at the University of Ottawa.

The first step to better sex? “Look at the quality of sex you’re having and how it compares to the sex of your dreams,” she says. From there, talk to your partner about what the two of you could be doing differently to make the sex you’re having sex worth wanting.

Have trouble talking about sex? Try reading a sexy book together, out loud. Doing this, she says, will help you both get used to the vocabulary of sex.

“Can you revive a dead sex drive at 65?” —Terri, 65

Absolutely, says Dr. Lori Brotto, a psychologist and director of University of British Columbia’s Sexual Health Research Laboratory. “It’s about being creative and trying to identify the factors that will elicit your desire.”

Her team recently conducted a study involving women ages 21 to 74 who, after using an online therapy program called eSense—which Brotto eventually hopes to take public—experienced 87 percent higher arousal and desire. 

Kleinplatz agrees that sex drive can be revived—with the caveat that you need to be willing to devote time to figuring out what turns you on. “It will require a lot of attention to how you feel about yourself and your partner, both in terms of your relationship in general and in bed,” she says.

Want to feel desire again but can’t figure it out on your own?

Consider working with a certified sex therapist. Bergeron offers free sessions over Zoom for residents of British Columbia, Nova Scotia and Quebec as part of an ongoing research project on low desire. “In a preliminary study, we found that a 18-week program with 16 sessions for couples increased women’s sexual desire and reduced their sexual distress and the distress of their partners.”