How To Feel Sexy In A Perimenopausal Body
(Illustration: Raquel Romero; created in Midjourney)
We asked you for your biggest questions about sex in your forties and beyond. One hot topic? Body confidence. More specifically, Chatelaine readers were worried that the effects of aging meant they no longer fit the far-too-narrow definition of what society deems “sexy.”
But when it comes to sex, sensuality and pleasure at any age, Toronto-based sex and relationships educator Luna Matatas says, it’s all about feeling sexy, not “looking sexy.” Here are Matatas’ seven tips for body confidence—and bringing sexy back.
Repeat after me: What you look like doesn’t define how much pleasure you have
“People with six-packs, people with the body you think that you should have to be sexy, they are not having more orgasms,” Matatas says. “There is no correlation between what you look like and how much pleasure is possible in this body! A lot of times, the joy is in the jiggle. When you feel more free in your body, you’re going to feel more playful and less focussed on performance.” So first: get comfortable with your body and have fun in it! That extends beyond the bedroom—it could mean dancing, or sports or yoga.
Figure out what pleasure means to you…
Ask yourself: “What can this body do right now that feels really good?” That might mean sex, Matatas says. “But what if you enjoyed more of a sensual approach to things?” And it can start well before it gets to the bedroom (if it even ends up there).
“When I went through this journey of perimenopause”, I really had to tap into myself,” Matatas adds. “Do I actually like what I’m wearing? Do I like what I’m doing with this body—or am I doing it because I think other people will like it, or they’ll treat me better, or they’ll think I’m sexy?”
...then live sensually (not just sexually)
Think about opportunities during the day, Matatas says, when you could be more sensual with yourself, with every sense. “Am I eating in front of Netflix every day? Or are you tuning into the sensual experience that’s possible with food?”
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Try feeling sexy without a destination
It’s good to get back into your body, Matatas says, but “it can feel like a lot of pressure for people to have to focus on orgasm or masturbation. What about if the next time you’re in the shower, you put on a sexy song, or you change the lighting?” Matatas will sometimes shower by candlelight, for instance, to “feel sexy without a destination.”
What about if you’re getting back into sex after a long period away?
Remember—sex is a body and mind process, Matatas says. Arousal starts in the brain, and, if you’re like most people, you need to get in the mood. That likely means being as relaxed as possible, and creating a stress-free environment where your mind can actually be present in your body and you’re not thinking about work, your kids or the giant dustball that lives under your couch. (And yes, this may be easier said than done.)
Get some sex-spo
Matatas often recommends that her clients explore erotica—whether it’s erotic audio or spicy books. “It can expand your erotic imagination,” she says. “For some people, that may be porn, but I feel like for many people in menopause and perimenopause, that’s too visceral an input. Instead, we’re trying to stimulate the part of the brain that gets us more connected to the body.”
Be honest with your partner—and focus on the parts of sex you are most into
If you have a long-term partner, Matatas encourages you to have a conversation about restarting your journey with pleasure—and that means rediscovering what sex looks like and what parts are your favourite. That person needs that information to feel more confident with you, she says.
Whether it’s an old partner or a new one, they may have “certain social scripts around sex: we kiss, then we do something around our chest, and then we have penetration.” But it doesn’t have to be that way: “If you're worried about penetration, if you're worried about painful sex, if you're worried about not being wet or not being able to orgasm, what if we slowed down and focused on the parts of sex that were actually alluring? That might be kissing, or touching, or cuddling or using toys. “Your own sex menu!” Matatas says. People are often more comfortable, she says, saying no to things—instead of saying what they do want. Own your desire—and often the pleasure will be right behind.
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Born in London, Ont., Gillian was Chatelaine’s former deputy editor, digital. She has also worked at Toronto Life and the National Post. Gillian cares deeply about fighting climate change and loves birds, sad lady singers, bikes, baking and wide-legged denim. She lives in Toronto's east end with her partner, two children and Rosie, her very exuberant Bouvier des Flandres.
