Having Better Orgasms After 40—On Your Own

I’m sitting in a circle of 12 women, our ages spanning five decades, and we are each holding a mirror and a speculum. We’re gathered for one reason: to learn to enhance our self-pleasure.

I started holding masturbation courses because, as a sex therapist, so many women I see struggle with achieving orgasm or feeling uncomfortable during sex. But throughout the years, I’ve found the tools that unlock pleasure are often ones women never knew existed—or have been too cautious to explore themselves. 

Here are a few easy ways to get started.

Get playful with toys

There are plenty of sex toys on the market that cater to various desires. Take the time to find which sex toys get you going. Clitoral pumps, for instance, gently awaken dormant nerve endings by creating an air vacuum around the clitoris, while suction toys mimic oral pleasure with pulsing air—perfect for women who need stimulation without direct touch. (One 62-year-old client asked me: “Why did I wait this long to get to know my clitoris?")

“Orgasm cream”—a tingling ointment that you can purchase over-the-counter at most sex shops—increases blood flow where it matters most, which in turn triggers orgasm. Temperature play, with cooling and warming gels or lubricants, can also enhance the experience.

And don’t forget the lube! You can also replace sticky drugstore varieties with natural oil like almond or coconut. Cleaning your toys after use will ensure no oil damage.

Embrace your fantasies

Sexual fantasies aren’t shameful—they’re essential. Some women unlock pleasure using just their imagination, but plenty get a little help from porn. In fact, almost one-third of PornHub users in Canada are women. For those who prefer reading, erotic books offer a range of fantasy options in a variety of shapes and sizes. 

Shed the stigma

Perhaps most importantly, grant yourself permission to explore beyond the obvious. Some women need nipple stimulation or anal play to reach climax—common variations that are rarely discussed openly. Explore new options and do what feels best. A 70-year-old participant at my masturbation course summarized it perfectly: “No one told us we could pleasure ourselves differently than men. What else haven't they told us?”