Why I’m Pursuing My Dreams Instead Of Getting Married

I was 13 when my parents decided to get divorced. My father cheated on my mother and went to live with the other woman. Seeing that happen had a huge impact on me.

In high school, I turned down every guy who wanted to date me, even if I liked them. I figured if what my dad did to my mom is what men do to women, then I wasn’t interested. Girls I knew would talk about their dream wedding and what they would wear, but I never thought about that. Instead, I dreamed about the places I wanted to go, the experiences I wanted to have and my future career. I believe marriage is antithetical to feminism. Historically—and in my own life—I’ve seen women, including my mom, forced to make sacrifices for their marriages and children. I refuse to allow that to happen to me.

That said, I still love to love. I started dating in university, but I was mostly disappointed because my experiences didn’t live up to my romcom ideals. I was looking for something more meaningful, but most guys in their 20s just want to have fun.

As I got older, one of the recurring issues I faced was men who felt threatened by a strong, independent woman. I’ve had boyfriends tell me what I can or cannot say and what I’m allowed to write about, even how I should laugh. One boyfriend, the only one I ever lived with, controlled what I wore—only black clothing and jeans because he thought colour was garish.

Not being married gives me the freedom to leave without legal or financial implications. I see so many girlfriends my age who are going through a divorce and it destroys them.

It’s so freeing to be single. I’ve backpacked around the world by myself, published a novel (it follows an Arab immigrant family over several generations), been cast on British TV shows, lived in nine countries and met some incredible people.

During the past 17 years, I’ve been in five serious romantic relationships. In my most recent relationship, which lasted for five years, I came close to getting married. I told my partner I had a lot of reservations about it, but we were ready to plan our future together and figure out what that looked like for us. His family, who are Catholic, didn’t like me because they knew I had no interest in having kids. I attended all of their baby showers, weddings and kids’ birthday parties, but none of them showed up for my book launch—the biggest career event of my life—except for his mother. I spent a lot of time crying over that.

About three-and-a-half years into our relationship, though, my partner began experiencing serious mental health challenges. I was his caregiver for the rest of our time together. He wasn’t responding to treatment, and ultimately we couldn’t make the relationship work.

I’ve been on a few first dates in the year since our breakup, but my main goal is to continue this wacky, wild journey of being an author (I’m currently working on my second book). It’s such a huge deal when someone says, “Your book really meant something to me.” What greater compliment is there? I also never want to lose my wanderlust. I just got back from Portugal, and a dream of mine is to backpack through Vietnam.

I don’t know if I’ll ever meet somebody again who would change my mind about marriage, but I welcome the challenge. I’m always open to new ideas and ways of living, but at this age, I don’t want to give up everything I’ve worked for.