Royal wedding gift: What to give the couple that really has everything

Masterfile

First off, let’s make one thing perfectly clear: For those of you who very generously gave me a wedding gift, I would like to say that, without exception, my husband and I love every single salad bowl, fruit bowl, mixing bowl, finger bowl and soup tureen we received and each of said items has a place of honour in our home.

It seems Prince William and Kate Middleton already have all the bowls they need.

It’s just been announced that the royal couple have forgone the usual wedding gift registry (John Lewis is a favourite scan gun operation over here) and asked that guests, and non-guests alike, not give them wedding gifts but instead, make donations to selected charities, which they will soon announce.

Now, of course, we’ve all heard of those faux non-gift pretenses before. The happy couple insist they don’t want you to give them anything (because making the two-day trek to their destination wedding in Phuket and giving up your holiday time along with a small fortune in airfare, hotels and taxis, is gift enough) but then, when you arrive in Thailand without a bowl – or a cheque – in hand, they act as though you have a derriere where your face used to be.

It seems, however, Wills and Kate are serious about their pas de cadeaux proclamation.

And, good for them. I mean, what do the future king and queen really need that they don’t already have? Also, it would be hugely tacky for them to accept a whole bunch of ruby and diamond encrusted bowls from foreign dignitaries, trying to bank favours (dignitaries, who have nothing to do with Fergie, I might add) when they could be directing all that wedding gift cash to those who really need it – like Fergie.

Lastly, if you’re reading this (you know very well who you are), you still owe us a bowl.