What I Learned From A Friendship Therapist

Most of us—myself included—have at least one friend we’ve lost touch with over time, whether it's because we’ve grown apart, had a rift, or just haven't had the time to nurture the relationship. Like me, you might be wondering how to get the friendship back on track or whether to just let it go. And so, I decided to ask a friendship therapist—yes, they exist!—for their best advice.

Amanda Neves is a Toronto-based psychotherapist and clinical director of Amanda Neves Therapy. She says that in most cases, clients don’t come to her for friendship therapy out of the gate. “Most people, anecdotally, come to therapy with a specific issue,” she says, “and through investigating that one issue, they end up finding a deeper web of internal challenges that actually spans multiple relationships.”

This realization may prompt them to ask a friend to join them for a few therapy sessions. “It’s about having a more honest conversation with the person, with the safety net of having a therapist there to help guide you through the conversation.” And from there, you can move forward. (Or not! “Like couples’ therapy, not everyone who goes to friendship therapy ultimately ends up staying together,” says Neves.)

Here are her best fixes for three common friendship issues.

Having trouble keeping in touch?

We all have that one friend who loves to talk on the phone for hours (and maybe you are that person, it’s not a bad thing!). Personally, I’m allergic to long phone calls and lengthy texting sessions and prefer in-person connection, but that’s not always possible. Neves’ solution for managing different communication styles? Exchanging voice notes: “You can hear intonation. You can hear someone laugh and yeah, it’s not live, but it's so much more than a text.” The recipient can also choose to engage at their own pace.

Can’t remember the last time you’ve seen one another?

Implement a standing date—whether it’s a quarterly dinner or an annual spa day, the most important thing is to get it in your calendar. “Consistency is a crucial element of feeling connected,” says Neves. I can vouch for this approach. In January, a friend and I bought passes to our favourite cold plunge place—and we meet up once a month to use them before they expire. Our regular dates have become one of the highlights of my year, and I’ve gotten to know my friend on a much deeper level as we consistently share the highs and lows of our lives.

You’ve changed (or they have)

Lifestyle changes are a common reason friendships drift, says Neves, whether it’s quitting drinking, moving across town or having a baby. “You need to make space for peoples’ growth and accept what they can offer,” says Neves, “but you also might need to find community in other spaces.” For Neves—who, like me, doesn’t have kids—this meant signing up for weekly improv classes. “I may not always vibe with the people in these new environments, but I’m exposing myself to potential relationships.”

As for what to do about that friend you keep thinking about? As Neves points out, the fact that person is on your mind is telling you something. “That’s love,” she says. “Our longings point to what we want in life—whether that happens with that person, or whether we end up shifting and getting our needs met with someone else.”

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