If you've ever said something to a guy and been totally shut down, you're not alone. Whether it was an innocent question or a simple complaint, women everywhere are saying things that spark a blowout fight or an icy brush-off. The reason? Blame biology.
"Physiologically, men respond differently to the feeling of being threatened. Their blood pressure rises, their heartbeat quickens, and they're more likely to have a fight or flight reaction," says Joy Tabakman, relationship therapist at the Centre for Imago Therapy in Ottawa. The good news is, the gap between how men and women communicate isn't as big as most people like to think, Tabakman says. "Men are really evolving in the way they express themselves. But it's important to remember to take ownership of how you feel about a situation instead of shifting blame. The goal in communication is to elicit compassion and understanding, not defense."
So before you open your mouth and accidentally wage the next Cold War, read up on the five things that guys hate to hear – and how a little re-wording can make a big difference.
A better way to deal with friends you don't like (or at least not yet) is to try to find some common ground, Tabakman says. Try saying, "I really want to get to know your friends better. Do you think we can figure out a way for that to happen?"
While the comment may be true, Tabakman suggests taking ownership of how you feel. "By saying, 'We never have fun anymore', you're putting the responsibility on your partner," she says. "Instead, you might try saying something like, 'I miss you. Can we schedule a date night?'"
Another tip: steer clear of words like "never" and "always". Putting things in absolute terms sounds more threatening and is more likely to trigger a bad reaction, Tabakman says.
"Saying something like, 'I'm really feeling like I need more of your attention' is a good way to state how you feel without shifting responsibility to your partner," Tabakman says. "Always begin these types of conversations by stating how you feel first, followed by a plan to work it out together."
It's no wonder this comment backfires. "As human beings, we want to know that our partners are going to be primary in helping us nurture our strongest relationships," Tabakman says. So what's the right way to tell your guy that his family has issues? Go easy, she advises. "Aim to say things in a way that's easy for people to digest, especially if it's something big like this." That means saying something like, "I know your family is important to you, but I feel like they might be affecting our relationship. Can we talk about this?"
"Often times we mask our fears and insecurities in anger," she says. Instead of screaming at your husband for being irresponsible, explain to him why you're so upset. "You might say, 'I'm happy that you're so excited about this TV, but I have some concerns about how we're going to pay the mortgage this month'," she says.
Want to improve your relationship? Here are six tips for successful communication with your guy.
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