Four Things I’ve Learned About Supporting Survivors of Abuse

Every so often I see this phrase in my feed when Black people are helping each other: We all we got. It’s this idea that no one is coming to save us and our problems will not be solved by the systems we live in, so we absolutely have to look out for each other.

This came to mind when I was making Signal For Help, a six-part podcast series I host with the Canadian Women’s Foundation about how to support survivors of abuse. If we’re all we’ve got, then we all need this information.

“We, as members, are on the frontlines.” That’s what Taghreed*, who works in community public education at the Muslim Resource Centre for Social Support & Integration in London, Ont., told me in one episode, and it really hit home. “Most women would call a friend, a sister, knock on the door of their neighbours to ask for help.”

Taghreed has been in Canada for four years. In Lebanon, where she is from, she worked as a scholar and journalist reporting on gender-based violence.

“I was really curious and interested when I came from Lebanon to see the Canadian experience,” Taghreed said. “I know in Canada there is a system that supports women; shelter system services. And I said to myself, the rate should be very, very low in Canada.” But when she read that every six days at least one woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner, she just couldn’t believe it. “So, I started asking myself, like what should be done?” That’s when she realized it’s all about community. We must be responsible for each other.

This is the thinking that drives Taghreed’s work. In 2021, she and her colleague Yasmin* created a 10-week Zoom-based program focused on domestic violence for Muslim and Arabic-speaking newcomer women. During the pandemic, when everyone felt disconnected, Yasmin and Taghreed created a sense of community on their Zoom calls for women who were joining from home or wherever they were—even in waiting rooms at appointments. Taghreed co-led the Zoom calls as a newcomer to Canada herself, teaching concepts and sharing information that she had only recently learned.

Intimate partner violence shows up in so many ways. Taghreed says women in the program didn’t always recognize abusive behaviours, especially given social norms and the negative impact they sometimes have. This goes for all of us. For example, she says some people hesitate to get involved in an abusive situation because they don’t want to ‘ruin the family.’ Yasmin and Taghreed offer another perspective: You don’t have to fix the problem.

You can just listen.

I heard this advice to just listen over and over in the conversations I had for Signal for Help. It’s one of the best ways to take action and show up for someone and yet it just doesn’t happen for many people who experience abuse. This hit home for me. Typically, when I’m presented with other people’s problems, I jump headfirst into problem-solving mode. But support isn’t necessarily making the problem go away. It certainly can in some cases. But when someone reveals an abusive situation to you, support can mean just being with them on their journey with the problem.

We are, indeed, the frontlines of safety for the people around us. Now, I am resolute in taking on that responsibility. Not because it’s easy, but because I’ve learned it is simple enough to learn what to do when someone tells you they need help. If there’s anything we learned from the pandemic, when rates of gender-based violence intensified, let it be that the one community, the community of us, is powerful.

Here are three more things I learned from Yasmin and Taghreed, and other women who joined me on the podcast.

Believe and validate

Yasmin and Taghreed based their program on five alifs. An alif is the letter ‘A’ in Arabic, and the ones they use in the program translate in English to listen; believe and validate; ask (how you can help); reassure; and respect. In relation to 'believe and validate,' I learned that anyone can experience gender-based violence. Anyone. No matter what they look like, their age, or their socioeconomic status.

What this means for someone trying to help Do away with whatever stereotypes you may have about who experiences abuse—who commits it. Do not register your surprise with someone who tells you about abuse, because they ‘don’t seem like the type’ or they ‘have it all together.’ On the podcast, Yasmin and Taghreed also talked about how difficult it was for some women to challenge their own ideas about abusers, especially when they believed someone was a good father or or provided well for his family. When someone signals they need help, believe their story and validate their experience. This means using phrases like, “You deserve to be loved” and “It’s not your fault.“

Understand it can be hard to recognize abuse

It can be difficult to determine what constitutes an unhealthy conflict and what is abuse. Stigma and silence around gender-based violence abets that confusion. Taghreed noted how powerful it was when women began to truly recognize harmful behaviours, like how silent treatment or isolating someone from being a part of the community can be intentional forms of punishment. Not being able to immediately recognize abuse was a common theme in the conversations I had with other women while making the podcast.

Related: I Didn’t Realize I Was In An Abusive Relationship Until I Almost Lost Everything

What this means for someone trying to help Name the abuse. Whether it’s emotional, physical, sexual or financial, name the abuse for what it is and help to shift someone’s perspective.

Know that it can take many attempts for someone to leave

In our podcast, I met Sherri*, who was with her abusive partner for 26 years. She finally succeeded in leaving on her sixth try.

Related: How To Help A Woman Transitioning Out Of An Abusive Relationship

What this means for someone trying to help You need to be patient. You may go through the same conversations and actions a number of times before the survivor makes any lasting changes for themselves. Be patient and let the person know you are always there for them.

*On the podcast, we used first names only to protect the privacy of our sources.
If you want to know more about how you can support someone who is experiencing abuse, visit the visit the Canadian Women's Foundation.