Dating After Divorce? Here’s How To Navigate The New World of Consent

Janet*, 49, had a great first date with a man who she met on Tinder. “He bought me dinner—it was nice,” she says. Afterwards, they walked to the parking lot and as they were saying their goodbyes, he kissed her. “When I kissed him back, he put both hands on my breasts,” she says. “I pulled back right away and said, ‘Um, no, what are you doing? This is our first date!’ and I pushed him away.”

Janet and her date hadn’t discussed kissing or touching before heading to the parking lot. And although she’d been looking forward to a possible kiss, having her breasts groped left her feeling angry and violated. Her date stopped when she pushed him away, but he didn’t apologize or take responsibility for having done anything wrong.

According to the law in Canada, he did, in fact, do something wrong. The Canadian Criminal Code contains a broad definition of sexual assault—it’s not just rape, but also unwanted kissing, fondling and grabbing. According to the law, a date must get explicit permission for each stage of sexual activity; it is not enough for a partner to assume that the consent has been given. If Jane’s date had asked her before he kissed or touched her whether he could do so, she could have made a meaningful choice about whether she wanted to do those things with him. He did not. Janet was sexually assaulted in the eyes of the Canadian courts.

Related: What It's Really Like To Online Date In Midlife

I have been a criminal defence lawyer in Canada for 20 years. In my job, I see a lot of confusion around consent, both from the accused and the victims. That’s unsurprising, since the law on consent has fundamentally changed over those 20 years, largely in response to widespread frustration with low reporting and conviction rates. At the start of my practice, an accused saying that the complainant “didn’t protest” when they were having sexual intercourse would usually result in an acquittal. Today, that testimony wouldn’t be enough for a “not guilty” verdict—that offender would go to jail.

For those of us in our 40s and 50s, beliefs around consent and sexual activity were shaped by the 1980s pop culture landscape. Movies like Sixteen Candles, Revenge of the Nerds, Say Anything and Ghostbusters contain tropes that are still shaping our ideas of consent, including that men must pursue women and that women’s sexual agency is confined to reacting to men rather than asserting ourselves. However, in today’s dating culture, we need to make our desires, preferences and—most importantly—our consent explicit to our dates by clearly explaining what we do and do not want.

Knowing that you have the legal right to specifically give and withdraw consent at any time—that your silence can’t be taken as agreement—should empower you to verbalize your boundaries in advance.

Related: Four Things I've Learned About Supporting Survivors of Abuse

Some women might want to avoid broaching the topic of consent out of fear for how their date could react. But asserting your boundaries early on helps keep you safe. If the date ends prematurely because you've clearly stated what stage of sexual activity you're comfortable with, that person is likely not a partner you would want in the long run.

There may also be concern that a conversation around consent will feel too clinical. But it can still be flirty and fun—it doesn’t have to interrupt the flow of the date. It can be as insignificant and as sexy as, “I’d like you to kiss me,” perhaps adding, “but I don’t want any other touching…yet” or “and I’d like it if you asked before you touched.” This protects you while ensuring that you receive the kind of touching that you do want when you want it.

What if things go further than you wanted? Because affirmative consent is the standard of criminal courts across Canada, if you, like Janet, have been touched without consent—or if you’ve asserted a boundary that has been breached or ignored—you have every right to file a police report and expect an investigation. Concerned that it’ll be your word against theirs? In fact, your word can be the evidence the Crown needs for a prosecution. Many agencies—such as The Ending Violence Association of Canada, B.C.'s Battered Women’s Support Services and the Ontario Coalition of Rape Crisis Centres—are available with advocates to help you through the process.

*name has been changed to protect privacy