Domestic science
Ten fundamentals for mastering the science of love
Updated November 2, 2012
If you married your high-school sweetheart: beware. According to Anne-Marie Ambert, an associate professor of sociology at York University in Toronto, many young people get married for the wrong reasons – such as pregnancy or over-the-top lust.
You like to knit, he hates sweaters. He loves Don Cherry, you'd rather watch a movie on cable. "If people choose someone different from them in terms of education, religion, occupation or attitudes about children, they're in trouble right away," says Alan Booth, a professor of sociology at Penn State University in University Park, Pa. He's been studying a group of more than 1,000 married individuals since 1980 and found competing values to be a major factor in divorce.
"Conflict is just as important as love in an intimate relationship," says John Wright, a couples therapist and psychology professor at the University of Montreal. "The challenge is to have fights that are as constructive as possible." Marriage researchers can predict the likelihood of divorce just by watching couples argue. Red flags include never fighting, conflicting styles and dirty tactics such as name-calling.
Negative emotions such as anger and hostility that get much worse over time can send a couple toward divorce in just five years, says a study of 600 couples by relationship expert John Gottman at the University of Washington in Seattle. Being irritable and saying mean things can set up a grim atmosphere in a marriage – one nobody wants to stay in.
A big source of disharmony in marriages is vices that don't match up. "If you're doing different things with respect to drinking, you can have a lot of conflict and unhappiness," says Kenneth Leonard, a research scientist at the Research Institute on Addiction at the University of Buffalo, who's been following 600 newlyweds for nine years. The most dangerous vice for married life? Smoking. One study from the University of Minnesota found a 53 per cent increase in the risk of divorce when one partner was a smoker.
Married people who think about divorce are nine times more likely to actually do it, Penn State's Booth discovered in one of his marriage studies. "We've gradually moved away from an attitude of 'What can I do for my marriage?' to 'What can my marriage do for me?'" he says. "It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy." Children of divorced parents are also more likely to get divorced themselves.
Couples who don't talk or listen to each other today are at risk for divorce down the road. According to Rebecca Cobb, a clinical psychologist, marriage researcher and assistant professor at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, a current area of research involves studying which aspects of communication predict long-term happiness. "One area we're looking at is how people help each other with a problem or talk about the events of their day," she says.
According to the 1995 Canadian General Social Survey, 63 per cent of couples who lived together before marriage split up. York University's Ambert, who has studied divorce and cohabitation, thinks many of those couples just aren't committed. "If they drift into cohabitation and drift into marriage, then they'll drift into divorce eventually."
Researchers are now looking at the role of positive support in keeping a marriage happy. "We know that people who are clear with each other about what they need are doing better two years down the road," says Cobb. What's not so effective? According to Cobb, just jumping in with solutions to a problem or playing devil's advocate instead of simply listening – often, we just want to know someone's on our side.
Interested in having the perfect marriage with the perfect mate (gorgeous, attentive, fabulous-smelling, rich and talented)? Marriage experts say rigid expectations are a major risk factor for divorce. "We're so used to the Hollywood thing, the idea that marriage should be heaven," says Ambert.
Many couples could benefit from talking to a professional, even for just a few sessions. "Most people know when they're not happy," says Nancy Hurst, a psychologist and marriage therapist in Edmonton. If your stomach sinks when he walks in the door or your arguments go nowhere, make an appointment. And do it soon: most couples wait too long.
You will have to talk about your deepest feelings and possibly about sex, too. "You will be opening up to a stranger, but it's in a safe environment," says Hurst. In just a few sessions, there may be some changes, but it takes about 10 to go deep.
A therapist, being neutral, can mediate tired old arguments. An experienced, well-trained professional will have an arsenal of techniques to improve your arguments, communication, language and even the way you think about each other.
According to studies of marriage therapy by John Wright, a couples therapist and psychology professor at the University of Montreal, about 50 per cent of couples who go to therapy improve their relationship a lot. Even those about to divorce have better breakups.
He's probably worried he'll get blamed for everything. "Emphasize that it's important to try to get help together," says Diane Marshall, a Toronto-based registered marriage and family therapist.
Ask around to find someone who's good. Or contact the marriage and family therapists' association in your province (you'll find them listed at www.marriageandfamily.ca/link).
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