If you don’t own an adult onesie, you’re not doing winter right

What do we talk about when we talk about winter? Well despair, for one, but also coziness. As the mercury drops, we drop scads of money on sweetly scented candles, teas and knits so thick they’d court jealousy from sheep. Slippers, epsom baths, hearty meat pies — they're all attempts to stave off the deep freeze. Let’s be real, though: Nothing competes with the warm fuzzies associated with nestling under three thick blankets and calling it a season.

So what if I told you you could recreate the warming greenhouse effect of a blanket fort in wearable form? That’s right, readers — I'm about to sell you on adult onesies.

Before you start parsing the murky depths of my singleness, or the juvenility quotient of a grown-up unitard, I ask you: Who among us is more comfy than a baby? Have you ever held one? Swaddled up like tiny sentient burritos, they are veritable furnaces of warmth. And they’re obviously comfy — they spend 90 per cent of the day unconscious.

Now that we all agree that onesies are awesome (cough), there are rules to rocking one. First, unlike its sartorial cousin, the jumpsuit — which is considered appropriate party attire nowadays — your winter onesie should not be worn outside your home. (I test-drove one last week at work, but "journalism" is a special circumstance.)

Related: Shearling is not just for coats anymore

Second, you should possess a baseline level of self-confidence. As anyone who owns a Snuggie knows, many critics will suggest that a onesie somehow diminishes your sexual magnetism. Well, I don’t know about you, but “being a sex symbol” is not priority one in my house. (It’s priority two, behind snacking.) Your home should be a refuge from the judgment of fashionable coworkers and street-style photographers. Also, think of how intelligent you’ll look when, instead of smothering yourself with duvets, you’re able to maintain mobility thanks to your new, cute waffle-knit garment, all while your torso emanates plenty of warmth to your extremities. Smarts and productivity? Super attractive!

Lastly — and I hope this goes without saying — steer clear of onesies with butt flaps. That’s too comfortable.

Ultimately, you’ll have to weigh what’s more important to you: Looking cool, even when you’re alone, or being as warm as possible. If it’s the former, you are welcome to your woolly socks and simmer pots. If it’s the latter, join me and reclaim your lost youth! Embrace loud prints and soft fabrics, hunker down in your den, and onesie like no one is watching.

Shop the trend here:

Adult onesies