How To End A Friendship Gracefully

You can’t live without good friends. But every once in a while, there’s one pal you think you just might be able to survive without. What’s the best way to end a friendship gracefully—with as little distress and hurt feelings as possible?

Here's how to gauge whether or not a friendship has run its course, and if so, two options for parting ways.

Signs it may be over

If you dread the very idea of calling her or seeing her, and if looking at her Facebook page gives you a headache and/or the powerful urge to leave nasty comments on her vacation photos, then your connection may well be past its best-before date.

That’s okay. You’re not a bad person. You’re just going through what Jan Yager, sociologist and author of When Friendship Hurts, calls a “friendshift.”

“This ‘weeding out’ process takes place throughout our lives,” says Yager, adding that “it is those friendshifts that help us ‘fine tune’ our friendship network since there’s only so much time and emotion that anyone has for close or best friends.” (She notes that it’s possible to have a huge network of casual friends, “since they don’t make the same, or as intense, emotional or time demands on us.”)

Maybe the problem is you?

Impossible, right? You’re practically perfect! Your friend, meanwhile, is a landmine of imperfection, with all of her passive-aggressive comments about your job, your cooking and your new haircut. While that’s all undoubtedly true, it may be worth considering that the problem may still lie with you.

“Perhaps the friendship is teaching you something about yourself and if that’s the case you may want to work a bit harder to try and understand what that lesson may be before you end it,” says Lisa Skelding, a relationships therapist who is based on Collingwood, Ont.

You also might want to think about your own behaviour. “You [might need to] teach your friend how you would like to be treated,” says Skelding. ”That doesn’t mean overturning the brunch table the next time she says, ‘Just kidding!’ It simply means telling your friend when they’ve hurt you and that you’d prefer she pumped the brakes on her [so-called] jokes.”

Weigh your options

The great thing about friendship is that it’s an optional and voluntary arrangement, says Yager. “Once seeing a friend becomes something you feel you have to do rather than you want to do, the friendship is probably not going to last in a strong, connected way anyway,” she explains.

However, this doesn’t mean that you should toss away a challenging relationship willy-nilly, she adds. Sometimes friendships go through natural cooling-off periods. Your lack of enthusiasm for that weekly lunch may just be the result of overexposure. Step back and ask yourself whether you need a break or a full-on break-up before you act rashly and unnecessarily damage a friendship.

If you've firmly made up your mind about ending the friendship, you have two options for breaking things off.

Option 1: Let it fade out

If possible, let the friendship peter out, says Yager, rather than make a big performance out of ending things. “There’s a difference between ending a friendship and letting it fade,” explains Yager. “You may have to end a friendship if you are dealing with an act of betrayal that can not be ignored or forgiven, or you feel that continuing the friendship puts you or your loved ones—or your career—in jeopardy.”

But if the friendship has simply run its course, then let it die a natural death. Don’t just stop calling and emailing cold turkey, slowly let the contact diminish over time. If you’re talking three times a week, for example, scale it back to once a week.

Option 2: Tell her how you feel

If you’ve decided that you want to break up with your friend you can choose to officially let her know—but don’t be a jerk about it. Don’t call a friend and ask her to come over only to unload three years' worth of resentment at her feet.

Instead, take responsibility for how you feel. “First of all, you have to let your friend/former friend know that it’s not her, it’s the way the two of you interact that isn’t working,” says Yager.

If you want to go into details about your decision—though you’re not obligated to do so—do it in “a way that is kind and informative rather than judgmental and overly critical.”

Once you’ve made the break, behave accordingly. Don’t gossip about your former pal among your other friends. You’ve chosen to end the friendship—not destroy it or disrespect it.

Originally published October 2013; updated January 2025.